Childhood Emotional Neglect and Self-Doubt 

The topic of childhood emotional neglect is close to my heart. Although invisible, it can have a far-reaching impact. Here, I’d like to explore doubt and uncertainty about one’s feelings as an impact. While it may not sound major on the surface, it can lead to indecision, anxiety and relationship difficulties in adulthood. 

Let’s start by understanding the scale of this issue in Singapore. A 2020 study by the Institute of Mental Health revealed that a staggering 46.5% of the adult population in Singapore has experienced childhood emotional neglect.

What is childhood emotional neglect?

Emotional neglect in childhood occurs when the caregivers consistently fail to respond adequately to a child’s emotions. In simpler terms, it’s when a child’s emotional and psychological needs are not given the attention they deserve. 

Maybe you were struggling with big feelings due to difficulties with friendships or schoolwork. But your feelings were dismissed, ignored or downplayed.

You might have been left to deal with your emotions because your parents thought that you should be able to handle them on your own. Maybe they were too preoccupied with their own struggles to attune to your emotional and psychological needs. 

As a result, you might lack a reliable adult who can help you validate, interpret, and understand your feelings. 

How emotional invalidation is connected to self-doubt 

When a caregiver recognises and acknowledges a child’s emotions as real and necessary, the child develops confidence and trust in their feelings. Such emotional feedback helps the child build emotional awareness. 

Children who have experienced repeated emotional invalidation learn to distrust or suppress their feelings. This can lead to a long-term impact on their emotional development, as they might start to ignore their feelings over time. 

Additionally, the lack of emotional validation leads to children internalise harmful messages over time. What if they have received remarks about being “too sensitive”? They might second-guess what would be an appropriate response to a situation. If they have been repeatedly told to stop crying when distressed, they might develop emotional numbness. 

How it affects adulthood 

An adult who has experienced childhood emotional neglect develops uncertainty about one’s feelings. Worse still, they might think their emotional experiences are not worth attention.

Often, there is frequent self-doubt. They might be thinking if their emotions are accurate or appropriate when they experience a situation. For example, are feelings of anger, fear or sadness is valid if they were treated poorly in their relationships or at work?

They might also need external validation from others that it is okay to feel a certain way. 

Adults who experienced a lack of emotional validation and emotional neglect in childhood are likely to struggle to name or understand what they are feeling. It’s common to feel confused about their feelings. They might also feel detached when trying to express their feelings. 

Because it is difficult to interpret and understand emotions, emotional regulation becomes challenging.

Long-term consequences of childhood emotional neglect  

Feeling unsure about our emotions can develop into broader self-doubt and indecision in adulthood. Our emotions and intuition do not feel like reliable guides for our decisions. We might constantly need others to validate our emotions and decisions.

When we feel uncertain about our emotions, this can lead to increased anxiety. We might notice yourself over-analysing your feelings because we fear we might have overreacted or misinterpretated. We might avoid or delay addressing issues we are facing because we doubt the validity of how we feel about them.

Emotional intimacy in adulthood can become challenging. Many struggle due to the fear of expressing emotions that might be deemed “unacceptable” or “wrong”. This fear goes back to the early experiences of emotional invalidation.

How therapy can help 

For people who have experienced childhood emotional neglect, it is a journey of unlearning what you have learnt. You can also relearn that emotional validation is critical to your well-being. Therapy helps you learn how to validate your own emotions. Over time, you will build self-trust. 

One of the skills you can learn is to build your emotional vocabulary to name and understand your feelings. Are you feeling sad? Angry? Frustrated? Discouraged? Practise developing a more comprehensive emotional vocabulary to describe the nuances of your emotions. 

Therapy provides a safe and supportive space for processing these feelings. Many benefit from inner child work with the support of a therapist. Part of the process is exploring the impact of your childhood experiences. When you are ready, processing the pain of emotional invalidation and recognising its impact on emotional confidence and self-trust can deepen your healing. 

It’s worth noting that people who have experienced childhood emotional neglect have learned to intellectualise their experiences to avoid feeling them. Body-centred approaches done slowly can be helpful to connect with your emotions physically. 

Do you need help processing childhood emotional neglect? Reach out for a discovery call.