Crash Landing On You: the Don’t Exist injunction

Recently, I watched the Korean drama series Crash Landing On You. I was struck by the depth of character development, especially Yoon Se-Ri. The trauma of abandonment that Yoon Se-Ri experienced that pivotal moment at the beach when she was a child is apparent. Here, I’d like to explore the Don’t Exist injunction that came from that experience from the perspective of a Transactional Analysis practitioner. 

In Transactional Analysis, injunctions are messages a person receives very early in childhood, typically from their parents or authority figures. Many of these injunctions are common. That said, they profoundly impact a person’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviours that carry into adulthood if not addressed. 

If you haven’t seen Crash Landing on You, note that there are spoilers ahead.

Don’t Exist injunction

Let’s go back to Se-Ri’s traumatic experience when she was abandoned at the beach. Later, as an adult, she talked to her mother about that incident. Se-Ri said, “Ever since then, one thought lingered in my mind. ‘Why did I come to this world and turn my mom’s life into a living hell? It would have been better had I not been born. I feel sorry for breathing.'” 

From that experience, Se-Ri received the message of Don’t Exist in her young mind. 

This injunction suggests that a person’s existence is unimportant. It is one of the most harmful injunctions a person can receive. It can impact a person’s will to live, unconsciously or not, as it tells the child they are not valued. When she was about to jump off the bridge in Switzerland, she recorded a voice message for her family. She told them not to be too happy but to think of her sometimes. This message tells how unimportant she felt in her family.

Impact of the Don’t Exist injunction 

Not only did it make Se-Ri struggle with living, she was also very hard on herself as an adult. She pushed herself (and her team) in their work and was hyper-independent. For one, despite her busy schedule and ample resources, she chooses to clean her huge apartment herself. She also struggles with sleep, needing medication at night. As Jeung Hyeok noticed, she lacked the ability to care for her well-being – neither eating well nor giving herself breaks.

Power of Connection in Crash Landing on You 

The accident that brought Se-Ri to North Korea opened doors to healing. She formed genuine connections with the people there, who accepted her for who she was and cared for her. Meeting Jeong Hyeok, whose gentle love and unwavering concern for her safety made her feel needed and essential, was a turning point. This realisation motivated her to take better care of herself. With a newfound care for herself, she adopted a more lenient approach towards her staff, allowing them to achieve a better work-life balance.

When she returned to South Korea, she got clarity about who she could rely on. Thanks to the character Man Bok, she also learnt what happened that day at the beach from her mother’s perspective. Her mother’s steady presence at the hospital also paved the way for healing in their relationship.  

Don’t Belong injunction

All of us hold complexity. And like many people, Se-Ri had more than one injunction that came from her childhood experiences. For one, having been the daughter of another woman, Se-Ri has felt a sense of rejection. As a child, after being brought back to the family of her biological father and her love unaccepted by her stepmother, she received the Don’t Belong injunction. 

This injuction suggests that a person does not fit in, resulting in feelings of isolation. Despite her success and giving nature, she had difficulty forming meaningful relationships. She kept herself isolated, even having meals alone, which added to her loneliness.

Perhaps in North Korea, where no one knew her, she felt free enough to be herself, instead of putting on the mask of a harsh boss. The warmth of the people in the village in North Korea allowed her to form reciprocal relationships. The healing she got from the meals shared with others, the sense of belonging and acceptance, helped her move towards something seemingly simple as having meals with her team. 

Road to Healing

The Don’t Exist injunction is a surprisingly common injunction. When a child has been neglected emotionally or physically, abused, or told that they were unwanted, this is a message they receive. A person who has ever contemplated suicide is likely to have a Don’t Exist injunction.

Crash Landing on You depicted the deep harm of this injunction and how vital relationships are in countering it. I felt very moved when Jeong Hyeok said to her that, every year, he will be grateful that she’s born into this world and that she is still breathing, and that her birthday is a good day. Having a soft place to land is life-giving for someone with this injunction. Hearing that someone is glad she’s born into this world is incredibly healing and gives her the permission to live. It is a positive message about a person’s worthiness as a human being – one that can counter the harmful message received in childhood. Healing is possible.